Pour your heart out

My life, if i weren’t living this life

questions i have no answers to

Those two lines are potential titles to what I want to write tonight. I’ve been thinking again, for the past few nights. Let me mind talk again..

I was 13 years old when my mom gave me an old pocketbook, it was V.C. Andrews’ Heaven, the first book of the Casteel series. The next book, Dark Angel, totally gripped my heart and had a huge influence on my life.

Numbers and destiny

If the prediction of the Mayans will come true at 2012, then 9 years since I was 13 years old I would die.

I would rather dream than live

Honestly, I haven’t changed and I am sorry for my family. I dream my whole life since I was 13 years old, I waited until I turned 18 but nothing happened and nothing changed, so unfortunately for me. I cried every night when I was 13 years old.

Just like Vanilla Sky

I survived because of the thought of T. And i thought I was H. But I think since T and I are alike, then I must be T in this life and I am looking for my Heaven.

When I die..

My Heaven would include my Heaven. I hope to meet my H right after.

What my dream is all about

A family of my own. I dream of someone, I dream of a house, of a place, of children, of cooking breakfast in the morning, of sleeping with someone. I already told my mom that I’m only holding on to life because I wanted to experience having a family of my own.

But dreams don’t come true.

Right now, I have no direction because of this thought, that dreams don’t come true.. It’s true right. anyone reading this would know that this is a very personal entry, but for the record. I have issues, as my guidance counselor said, especially in relationships. She told me, I should get myself a boyfriend. All my problems would vanish. What the hell right? you just can’t stand in the corner and hope someone comes along (Thank God for our Marriage & Family course!). WHAT THE HELL. to make that happen i need another person! Someone not just in my mind.

In my mind

i have an entire world and life i would like to live. i thought this kind of thinking would end when we left out father but this family and relationship problem stuck with me for far too long (7 years) that it’s in my system already.

i am a walking wounded

It’s hard when you try to walk around life gluing or pasting the pieces of your life when you know it’s beyond repair. A little poking and you’ll break.

conclusion

I really really really need someone. i love totally.  i give my heart out (only to hear that it will be thrown in a trash can). i care about persons. i really want to take care of you. i want to wake up in the morning and know.

but in life, we don’t know

that is the great mystery. and we have to live to find out and die knowing it.

BOW

P.S. After watching the clip inspired by the book, Dark Angel (which is great btw if you read the book your heart will be broken by the trailer), I realized this.. to love something so deeply is rare and not of this world because you’ll end up getting separated in my case, in another life or time. So if I die before knowing the great truth then I want to say sorry to you, that I left behind, to you not knowing. I guess, we’ll just meet right after, I promise you, I’ll wait for you.

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About M

I am crazy, not-of-this-world, I think a lot. But I realized from reading books that almost all of us feel the same way too.
This entry was posted in Art, Beauty, Family, Friends, Love, Sickness and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Pour your heart out

  1. liann says:

    hey! what’s wrong?
    i am overwhelmed with what i read. i honestly do not think these thoughts depress you this much. of all people, i could hardly believe these words came from you.
    i don’t know what to say.. i still believe that life is no fair but i trust in the words of Longfellow and Kipling, “let us then be up and doing
    with a heart for any fate
    still achieving, still pursuing
    learn to labor and to wait”, and “if you can wait and not be tired by waiting… if you can dream and not make dreams your master, if you can think and not make thoughts your aim..
    maybe you are so engrossed in reading and watching fiction.

  2. liann says:

    hey! what’s wrong?
    i am overwhelmed with what i read. i honestly do not think these thoughts depress you this much. of all people, i could hardly believe these words would come from you.
    i don’t know what to say.. i still believe that life is no fair but i trust in the words of R. Kipling, “if you can wait and not be tired by waiting… if you can dream and not make dreams your master, if you can think and not make thoughts your aim…”

    maybe you are so engrossed in reading and watching fiction.
    you know, i have always thought you are such a blessed person. maybe you don’t see so much of yourself that others see in you. i would always be thankful for having known someone as friendly, witty, and thoughtful as you are. and many people love you for you.

    keep these thoughts out of your mind. after all, you won’t get anything from this. live in the present.

    they say that it is hard to find happiness when we seek it for ourselves; but when we give it to others, it finds its way back to us.
    be happy =]

    • M says:

      hoy liann! ngayon ko lang nabasa itech! thank you! I KNOW, I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL IN LIFE BECAUSE I HAVE FAMILY AND FRIENDS (LIKE YOU) WHO LOVE ME. THANKS SO MUCH!
      Anyway, i’m feeling better na! haha! check out my new blog!

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